When doing coaching sessions, a good number of clients are surprised when I tell them that 80% of the problem they have described is inside them. By that I mean, the struggle between what we say we want, and deep feelings of fear about what is required to get it.
No matter how much they say they want something, another part of them doesn’t want it and somehow manages to trip up every attempt, which is best known as self sabotage. Those who are able to quickly conquer an obstacle seem to be able to line up what they want with the steps they are willing to take in order to get it.
The average for attempts at changing a behavior for most people is one or two attempts and then resistance either from within or the outside world kicks in and you give up. So you have to ask: What are some of the features I need to look for that say my desires and inner thinking are not lined up:
When keeping the problem has a benefit:
Conversations continually focused on your problem(s) almost to the point of being boastful where you hear yourself make statements like: “you can never top this”, or “Let me tell what is going on now!” implies there may be a secondary gain to keeping the problem. For some people it is attention seeking, for others it gets them off the hook to do something because the problem appears overwhelming. In either case, the underlying thought may be fear of the cost of doing something new or not having anything else to replace the negative talking points of your life.
Many reasons why it won’t work for you
You know you are exhibiting underlying resistance when any alternative you are offered is met with a list of reasons why it might work for others but not for you, even if you have never tried it. Or conversely, you are simply not open to trying something you HAVE already tried but in a different manner. Your fall back position has become remaining stuck, because stuck has now become safe for you.
Too focused on negative causes and effects rather than positive intentions and outcomes.
In life we get what we focus on and continually rehashing who caused something that has already happened, rather than doing an analysis of where things went off the rails and what can be done to move forward is a good indication of 
resistance. The race is never won by the person doing endless background detective work but rather the runner that is adaptive and solution oriented. There is nothing wrong with a little detective work, but it is the paralysis of analysis that keeps “stuck” as the best place to call home. I say that because all that detective work saps your energy to try anything else.
What are some of the ways you can stop fighting yourself and begin to tackle the actual situation that confronts you?
Define the roadblocks
Clients also look confused when I ask “What is the best way to eat an elephant?” The answer is “In small bites”. When you approach a multitude of situations (no time to exercise, feeling tired, fixing dinner for the kids, my husband 
doesn’t help) in no time you mentally become overwhelmed and give up. So the first thing you want to do is define exactly what is the roadblock standing in your way. Narrow it down to one specific thing that is the major stumbling block and then you can begin to address any underlying resistance. In the examples I just gave, a good single point would be “I haven’t carved out time to do the things that keep me motivated.”
Move from the general to the specific
Learn to dislike the word “try” because generally when someone says “I’ll try it” the unspoken message is: I’m going to do something but I really don’t feel it’ll work. “Try” keeps the approach you use in a general state, floating around in the clouds. A better approach would be: This is what I want and I plan to DO this, this, and this to get it. As simple as it sounds, sitting down and writing out exactly what you are willing to commit to is the best first step. Once you have narrowed down specific steps, you can then begin to honestly explore how resistant you are to one approach rather than another and why, so that what you say lines up with what you are willing to do at this point. Prioritizing where you are on the list establishes a progression and gives you levels of action to shoot for over time.
Getting your expressed desires in line with your inner self increases the chances that you will have greater success and also spend less time wandering in the wilderness. The points outlined should provide at the very least a good beginning point when you find yourself stuck. To explore a complete list of things you can do to keep the parts of yourself consistent, listen to podcast episode 016.