I recently conducted a workshop and decided to follow-up the session with a feature on the podcast because several audience members were telling me about their interactions with family members and how they wanted to change those relationships.
During counseling sessions I normally point out to clients that everyone has a tool box, and in this tool box are the various tactics we use with different individuals to get the things we desire. Each tool has been developed over time based on our impressions and interactions with the people around us. In particular, family members are a whole category unto themselves because they have so many tools just based on the fact they have known and observed us much longer than others and know the hot buttons to push to get us to move in a particular direction.
No one uses a tool that is not effective, and each time YOU provide the expected response, you condition the other person to keep using a particular tool. Each of us is involved in various plays during our many interactions and everyone has a scripted part based on certain key words or actions. When we follow the script as it has been laid out, the other player or players receive a message that it is OK to keep reaching for the tool they are currently using.
It is possible to change the script using a number of approaches such as behavior modification, mindfulness, and Neurolinguistic Reprograming. Please listen to the podcast to get a full description of the techniques as a short list of tactics is provided below that can help you train others to make certain the message you send is clear enough to change their response:
Behavior Modification
Reward the behavior you want and ignore the behavior you don’t want. Refuse to take the bait and give a response that is totally unexpected or without the usual emotion you normally provide. This consistent approach lets the other person know that the tool they are currently using no longer works for the specific situation and that they will have to change tactics.
Mindfulness
When someone uses a tool that has been effective in the past, you have to take a moment to mindfully assess the emotion that is generated in you in order to strategically change the response you now allow yourself to provide. Knowing the response that is generated allows you to take a moment, almost like a short meditation, to decide on a different response that is more measured. You now are in control of how you decide to respond.
Neurolinguistic Reprograming
When the other person seems to be in an excited emotional state, try to interject a lighthearted scene or call to memory a more pleasurable scene to change their mental state. Make a point to either touch them or use a unique phrase at that moment which now becomes an anchor for the positive emotion. Doing this changes their mental state from a negative to positive mind set and begins the process of associating you with those positive thoughts.
More than anything, for these techniques to work requires a certain amount of consistency on your part, doing them just once simply is not enough for them to imprint into the other person’s consciousness. But more importantly, they also mean that you have to assume responsibility for the response you provide which forces the other party to change the tool they decide to use during your encounter. Remember, no one uses a tool that does not work.
Hear more tips on how you can begin to change your approach to others, visit podcast Episode 008 or listen above.